Blog: Poetically Violated

Poetry's become a huge part of how I express myself. I grew up sort of in a sheltered environment where I was kept closed-minded to a lot of things I should have been exposed to, but then again exposed to all the things I should have been kept away from. I don't ever remember being told how to defend myself, speak up for myself, be a strong person, therefore some of the things I've learned growing up I've picked up on my own along the way.

Sometimes my mind acts like its own literary press and you'll always find me jotting down something that popped into my head...if I don't put it down on paper right then, whether it's a paper towel, napkin, back of an old envelope, scratch sheet of paper...whatever I can get my hands on, the poem is gone in a flash and I've lost the train of thought just that fast.

I've learned a new term, "Poetically Violated," and it comes from some reading back and forth I've been doing and from having heard about Larry Jaffe's book, that it came to me. It basically means to me, being caught in a translucent state of being, when words are swimming in your mind forming a once in a lifetime poem that you must grab in an instant once the very existence of that poem becomes real. The pen moves while your mind glides over the paper.

Today I see poetry in a whole new light. As I plan for my third book to come alive, it will dance with words playing tunes it's never heard before. "Imperfections." Yep, that's what I'm calling it. It was going to be "Imperfections of a Poet," but I thought..."hmm, why not just shorten and let it play on the minds of would be readers. Then again I could call it, "Poetically Violated." That, too has a nice ring to it.

Anyway, it's 3:38 a.m. on a Sunday morning, November 23. What's got me sitting here at the computer pecking away at the keys? The irony of rejection.

Wanting to Call You Mine

I wanted to call you mine.

In a whisper to say I love you.

But you could not consider my feelings

Enough to warrant me your heart,

So into the dark shadows of your mind

I returned silently

Only to reminisce over what could have been

Our tomorrow’s future.

I wanted to call you mine.

My lover. My friend. My all. My companion.

Explore the regions of a love,

Expanding over a time

That would take us on a never ending journey,

A love that could never be removed,

But you could not meet me half way

To take me by the hand and lead me

To a place to be at your side.

I don’t want to spend endless nights

Sitting in a chair

Staring at a screen wishing what could be

But will ultimately never be.

I wanted to call you mine.

But you’ve made me ashamed to

Open my mouth.

I second guess everything I wanted to say to you.

To ask of you.

My hands trembled when they go to

Touch your skin.

I’ve succumb to a world of wonderment,

Insecurities that were once forbidden.

I live in fantasies of what have become

My ideal life with you.

This is the realm you’ve driven me to

With your selfish thinking and

Inconsiderate way of walking through your days.

I wanted to call you mine.

And yet I cry at the very thought of

Rejection and the level of anger

It bears on me.

You make me feel ugly. Unattractive.

Ashamed to walk in the public eye.

And yet my heart and soul

Aches for your to be near me.

But I am nothing more than a

Mere speck of dust,

A thought buried

In the far regions of your mind.

You probably don’t remember my name

Unless it’s spoken.

Unless your own desires need to be serviced.

I would probably fade from your mind

If there were no pictures to remind

You of who I am.

I wanted to call you mine.

Even if I’m never to be yours.

I’d happily take the back burner

Of your mind,

I’ve been there before.

Oh, yes, we’ve become good friends

Over this time of questioning

Where with you I actually stand.

And how many times will I let you

Tear at my heart,

And strike down my emotions?

I blame myself for letting love

Blindside me in the wake of

Feeling the need to be loved

By someone whom I thought

Could nurture me. Love me.

Protect me.

Desperate was I

To want something I should have known

Would never truly be mine

When so many others who have

Come before me have had

More from you than I will ever have.

I wanted to call you mine.

And yet,

I’m left with nothing but an

Imagination tainted by

A dream that’s never to come true.